


These Hands Could Hold the World (But It’ll Never Be Enough)

by americanhoney913



Series: Deanoru One Shots [3]
Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Exploration of the impact of 1x01, F/F, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-09 08:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13477590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americanhoney913/pseuds/americanhoney913
Summary: Karolina thought she was over what almost happened at the party. When she woke up to find Chase hovering over her, face white like a ghost.However, intimacy with Nico is hard when something so small triggers her into a panic attack.UPDATE: This story has been edited and expanded as of 3/5/2018!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> random prompt but since nico doesn't know about karolina's almost r*pe i wonder if you could write a conversation between them about it. either nico finds out somehow (by overhearing the asshole lacrosse players) or karolina decides to talk about it with nico because it's still on her mind and she feels some kind of way about the whole incident. thanks!!
> 
> Thank you, @dimplesridley, for the prompt and the help with writing it!

The dim lighting gives Karolina’s bedroom a soft glow as she feels herself being pressed back against her bed. She’s imagined this scenario about a dozen times, but never in her wildest dreams did she believe the day would come when she’d have Nico Minoru hovering at the edge of her bed. She's standing between Karolina's knees, hazel eyes sparkling in the candlelit room.

Nico’s fishnet top makes Karolina’s heart flutter because of how much skin peeks out through the tiny holes. Karolina, on the other hand, wears a blue tank top and a red checkered flannel tied from Goodwill just under her bust with a white wife beater underneath. Nico seems to like her in stereotypical “lesbian” attire, whatever that means. Karolina certainly likes Nico's gothic style with her pale skin and high cheekbones. 

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Nico whispers into the tiny space between them.

Karolina laughs. “I should be telling you that.”

Nico rolls her eyes and leans in to kiss Karolina. Since she’s sitting, Nico can kiss her so much easier. She always has to lean up to kiss her, a downside to being a head taller.

Karolina whimpers and scoots back on the bed, fists bunching into Nico’s shirt. Nico follows without pause, chasing her lips, breathragged.

“Fuck,” Nico rasps. “You’re good at this.”

“What?” Karolina goes almost bug eyed and coughs, choking on her own spit. “I, wait, huh?”

Nico’s smile lights up the room. “Why’re you so surprised?”

“I, you’re the only girl I’ve ever kissed.” Blonde hair spills across her pillow as Karolina rests her head back and throws her arm over her face. “I totally ruined the mood, didn’t I?”

Nico’s lips curl up into a smirk and she slides her fingers to tangle with Karolina’s. Her black lipstick seems lighter than before and Karolina imagines her own lips look like they’ve been smudged with charcoal. She stalks up the middle of the bed on her knees until she’s hovering over Karolina, legs on either side of her hips. She leans down, hair creating a curtain around them, like they’re in their own secret place. Karolina realizes it's one of the only times she's seen Nico with her hair down instead of twisted up into an intricate design.

“Nope.” Nico leans down and brushes a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “You didn’t ruin anything.”

And then they’re kissing again. Nico’s lips feel warm as they move against Karolina’s, soft and smooth and everything that she’s never known before Nico. She untanles her hands from Nico and drags her nails up her shirt.

Nico shudders above her and lets out a little squeak before she’s pulling back, crossing her arms to take her shirt off, and Karolina wants to die.

She hums into the kiss and moves one hand up and down Nico’s back, over her bra strap. The lace tickles the tips of her fingers. Her other hand traces Nico’s defined stomach muscles, nails tracing the dips and curves. She feels the indents of stretchmarks against her fingers when she reaches Nico’s hips and it makes her smile.

Nico reaches down and Karolina’s ears pick up, over the rushing of her heartbeat in her ears, the click-clack of her belt buckle being undone.

One moment, Karolina’s kissing Nico. The next, she’s not under Nico’s soft body, pliant hands cradling her like she’s some kind of goddess. She’s heavy-limbed and too groggy to move as someone else, with rough large hands, hovers over her. She can hardly see through the haze but it’s not Nico’s beautiful cheeks but some guy’s stubble scratching her face. It’s harsh hands and rough touches and she feels like dying for a completely different reason.

“NO!” she screams as she scrambles back, almost falling off the bed in her haste to make space between herself and the phantom. She presses herself as far as she can into the headboard to get away from the figure in front of her. Dressed in black, like a demon.

“Karolina?” She blinks away the haze of fear and finds Nico sitting at the other end of the bed, eyes wide. “Karolina, what’s wrong?”

Karolina can’t breathe, can’t do anything but shake her head. Tears sting as they stream down her cheeks, but she doesn’t have the energy to wipe them away. Her whole body quivers and she can’t control herself.

“Karolina, hey.” Nico stands up and walks around to where Karolina sits, hesitant like she’s approaching a skittish horse. She holds her hands out in front of her and doesn’t touch Karolina at all. “Hey, calm down.” She rests one hand next to Karolina’s, not touching but close enough to feel the warmth of her skin. “It’s 2017. You’re in the Hostel. Your name is Karolina Dean.” Karolina tries to focus, but it isn’t working. Her body shakes and she tries to focus on something that isn’t the memory, the idea, of someone, of the lacrosse guys laughing around her as they removed her belt. She doesn't remember anything, but she can imagine from what Chase told her.

“I can’t.” She whines. The words won't come out past the fact that she can't get enough air into her lungs. “Nico, I can’t breathe.” Karolina feels like she's choking, the words getting caught in her throat.

Nico bites her lip. That much Karolina can see through the haze. “Okay, um, let’s maybe try something else.” She slides onto the bed, still far away to not be crowding Karolina in, but close enough to be a reassuring presence. “Okay, Kar.” Her voice stays soft and calm, even though Karolina can imagine she’s freaking out inside. “Tell me five things you can see.”

Karolina’s eyes flick between Nico’s eyes and mouth before jumping around the room. Her voice shakes when she answers. “Candles. There are candles on the dresser,” she stutters.

Nico nods, sliding her hand a fraction of an inch closer to Karolina’s.

“Your eyes are brown. They, they’ve got little gold flecks in them.” Karolina blinks, hand not near Nico’s curling into the comforter under them. It’s slightly rumpled from previous activities. “The comforter is blue.” She glances down at her hand and smiles, her shaking becoming less pronounced with each statement. “Your nail polish is black.” Karolina laughs but it sounds like a sob. “And so is your hair.” She tries to think of something else, but all she can see when she closes her eyes is someone in the shadows staring back at her from a demon’s face, hovering over her. Her breathing picks up again and it’s like Molly’s super strength is squeezing her lungs together.

“Karolina, hey.” Nico touches Karolina’s hand with hers for a moment, a single tap, so quick that if Karolina wasn’t hypersensitive, she wouldn’t have noticed. But it works, because the tightness in her lungs eases off and she takes a deep gulp of oxygen. “One more thing.”

She flushes and dips her head down. “Your bra,” she squeaks. “It’s black and lacy. Beautiful.”

“Uh, thanks.” Nico’s makeup free cheeks turn a pretty shade of pink, much like when Karolina glows. She shakes her head at Karolina. “Okay, moving on.”

Karolina goes on to stutter through four things she can touch. “Your skin,” Karolina whispers as she curls her pinkie around Nico’s, not yet ready for full on contact her but this is enough. Other things include: Nico's hair, the pillow at her back, the covers under her, her clothes against her skin. She gulps down air halfway through the three things she can hear-- Molly laughing downstairs, Nico's soft breathing, her own heartbeat-- due to the panic attack rearing its ugly head again.

“Karolina, you’re doing so great.” Nico’s moved closer and closer each time Karolina gets through another step, like a reward. “I’m proud of you.”

Tears well in Karolina’s eyes as she slumps over and leans into Nico, pressing her forehead against her shoulder. The touch crackles against her skin, like fireworks, and she can't tell if it's from the hypersensitivity or because it's Nico. She's hoping it's the latter.

“Two more, Kar,” Nico whispers. “You can do it. Two things you can smell. One thing you can taste.”

Karolina bites her lip and furrows her brow. God, there's so many different things going on in her brain right now. She's trying to stave off the panic simmering somewhere inside her. She takes another deep breath. “Vanilla.” At least she's not stuttering anymore. “The candles smell like vanilla.”

Nico's cheeks heat up and she presses her cheek to Karolina's forehead. “You always smelled like vanilla,” she whispers. “I'm glad that hasn't changed.”

“Some things don't change when you run away from your evil parents.” Karolina sits up and shrugs. “Some things do.” She leans back in, presses her nose to Nico's pulse point, and inhales.

“What're you doing?” Nico asks, pulling away somewhat. Karolina lifts her head. She notices Nico’s nose crinkle like she doesn’t know how to feel confused or disgusted.

“That's my second thing I can smell.” Karolina smiles softly. “You.”

Nico chuckles and knocks her shoulder against Karolina's. “That was cheesy, Kar.” But she's laughing and Karolina can finally laugh without choking on a sob.

“What's the last one?” Karolina keeps her voice soft, still a little sensitive to loud noises.

She feels Nico swallow from where her head rests on her collarbone. Her scent is some kind of mixture between Karolina's vanilla, which permeates the air, and a muskier type of incense that leaves a tang at the back of Karolina’s nose.

“Taste.” Nico's voice cracks.

Karolina licks her lips. There's a trace of something at the corner of her mouth so she chases it down. She licks her lips again and a hint of blackberry hits her taste buds. She's always loved blackberries, but she hasn't eaten them in so long. They can't afford fresh fruit on the run. She pulls back from the safe haven of Nico's arms and stares at her.

“What?” Nico shifts.

“Blackberries,” Karolina breathes. “I can taste blackberries.”

Nico bites her lip, cheeks looking rosy in the candlelight. “That's, uh, it's my lipstick. It tastes like blackberries.”

Karolina feels her cheeks heat up and she knows they mirroring Nico’s, but she could care less. “I love blackberries.”

Nico’s smile fades somewhat and Karolina wonders why. She’s fine. There’s nothing to worry about anymore. The panic subsided because of Nico.

“Nico. Everything’s okay now. I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine.” She shakes her head and wraps her arms around Karolina’s shoulder. “What happened, Karolina?”

Karolina falls into Nico, curling up on her lap. It’s an awkward fit, with Karolina being so much taller than Nico, but they make it work. Nico leans against the headboard and sighs, cupping the back of Karolina’s head. Much like she did to reassure her when she was freaking out about their parents being murders. Karolina tries not to, but tears drip onto Nico’s pale skin and pool in her clavicle like a mini sea.

“I went to a party.” Karolina sniffles. “That first night. When we found out our parents...” She still can’t say it. Even after three weeks. She doesn’t like to remember seeing her mom leading some kid— Destiny, she reminds herself— to slaughter. “It was my first party. Rebellion and shit like that. Destiny told me about it. It sounded amazing.” She laughs, but it’s almost self-deprecating in a way. “And I’d never been to a party, right? So some guy told me this little pill would make me free.”

Nico’s hold tightens on her and Karolina shudders.

“I didn’t take it! Don’t worry. But I saw two girls kissing and I took my bracelet off for the first time. If they could be free, so could I.” She smiles, rubbing at the metal circlet on her wrist. “And, you know what, it felt like what I’m guessing the pill would have made me feel. I’ll never know now, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Glad you didn’t do it,” Nico mumbles.

“Same.” Karolina laughs. “It was so weird. I remember the lights, but nothing else. There were muffled sounds, I guess.” She points down to her belt. “Maybe that’s where the trigger comes from?”

Nico shrugs. “How did you wake up?”

Karolina’s eyes narrow for a moment before she answers. “I remember Chase. He looked...” She shakes her head. “I’ve never seen him look so scared.”

Nico nods and moves a piece of hair from in front of Karolina’s eyes. “I’m glad he was there.”

“Me too.”

“I mean, Chase is super problematic at times,” Karolina says as she sits up. She shuffles over to the give the both of them space and rests her head on her folded knee. “But he’s a great guy.”

Nico smiles and crosses her legs, her thigh knocking against Karolina’s, her skin warm and reassuring. “A blockhead with a heart of gold.”

“Why Nico,” Karolina says in some sort of Southern Belle accent that sounds strange coming out of her mouth, “I didn’t know you cared about poor ol’ Chase.”

“Uh, what?” Nico laughs and shakes her head. “Where did that come from?”

Karolina shrugs and shakes her head. “I don’t know. Maybe I watched too many of those romance movies. The ones with horses.” She laughs. “I forced Chase to watch one with me. He cried. Like, ugly sobbing.”

“I believe it.”

Karolina wiggles her toes against Nico’s thigh and scrunches up her nose. “I’m glad I told you, Nico. About the party.”

“You trust me enough to tell me,” Nico says, her lips curling up into a soft smile. Karolina’s shoulders relax and she rests her head on her knees again. “C’mere?” Nico untucks her legs and holds out her hand.

She crawls over and tucks herself into the space Nico’s provided her and snuggles against her, bare skin against her cheek. She realizes that Nico never put her shirt back on and all that pale skin on display makes her heart thump a heavy drumbeat in her chest.

Nico hums and snakes her arms around Karolina’s back, reaching under her shirt to scratch her nails down her back. “Better?”

She mumbles and mouths at Nico’s pulse point, feeling her heartbeat under her tongue. “Mhm.” The smell of incense surrounds her, calming her even more. There’s still some part of her brain that’s in panic mode, ready to jump at any moment, but the rest of her relaxes, almost melting into the mattress. Her skin still feels sensitive, tingling like she’s got Spidy-senses when it comes to Nico.

Karolina’s feet hang off the edge of the bed because of how they’re situated. Nico hums and the sound vibrates against Karolina’s ear. Her nails continue to trace patterns up and down the part of her spine Nico can reach and Nico presses a kiss to her forehead. God, after everything tonight, just feeling the softness of the moment, of Nico’s skin against her own, lulls her into a state of calm.

It’s strange to feel this way. After the chaos that is finding out their parents kill people and then becoming LA’s Most Wanted for a crime they didn’t commit.

Karolina yawns and Nico chuckles. “You look like a kitten. Should I sing that song?” Karolina tilts her head up to nudge her nose against the underside of Nico’s chin. “Soft kitty, warm kitty—”

She yelps as Karolina nips at her chin and smacks her hand over Nico’s mouth. “Continue and I’m going to go cuddle with Molly and Old Lace on the couch.”

Nico's brows furrow and Karolina chuckles. “You would rather cuddle with a dinosaur and a fourteen-year-old than your girlfriend?”

Karolina shoots up, resting her hands on their side of Nico and twisting her body to look directly at her. “Girlfriend?”

Nico blanches before her pale cheeks turn a bright red. “I, uh, I didn't mean to say it like that.”

Karolina's eyes narrow. “So, you don't want to be my girlfriend? We'll just be best friends who kiss all the time?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Nico brings one hand up to flick Karolina’s forehead before she returns it to her back. “I just didn’t think it was a good time to ask,” Nico whispers into the candlelit room. “Not while we’re on the run.”

Karolina yawns so wide her jaw cracks and rests her head back down on Nico’s collarbone. “Can we talk about this in the morning?” She huffs against Nico’s neck. “I think I’m too emotionally drained for this conversation.”

“Yeah, tomorrow.” Nico cups the back of Karolina’s neck and Karolina feels comfortable enough to fall into an exhausted slumber. She knows she could probably change into PJs but she’s too comfortable to move.


	2. All the Stars We Steal from the Night Sky (Will Never Be Enough)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A second part to explore Nico's thoughts of the night before.

Nico closes the door behind her, taking a deep breath before padding downstairs. The events of last night seem to seep from her shoulders with every step she takes from the room.

She hears the banging of pots and pans from the kitchen area and heads in that direction.

“Old Lace, no!”

Nico races into the room when she hears crashing and almost doubles over at the scene, trying not to laugh. The Deinonychus looks up and blinks at Nico, wagging her tail like a very scaly puppy. She emits a rumbling purr as she licks pancake batter off Chase’s beat red face with a pointed tongue. Her nose piercing glistens in the fluorescent kitchen light.

“Chase, what did I tell you about letting Old Lace into the kitchen?” Nico elbows the dinosaur’s oversized head away while helping Chase to his feet. He’s covered in saliva and goopy batter. His hair sticks up at odd angles like a cow lick, but it’s a dino-lick instead.

“She just ran in here. I couldn’t stop her. She weighs like a bajillion pounds,” Chase complains as Nico hands him a rag. It does almost nothing to help him clean up, but at least he can open his mouth without getting a mixture of spit and raw pancake batter in his mouth.

Old Lace huffs and warbles, like she knows they’re talking about her, before taking a last swipe at the pancake batter covering the countertop before thumping out of the room. Her claws tick-tack against the granite floor as she leaves.

Nico grabs a new bag of the dry mix and take a clean bowl down from the cabinet. “Thanks,” Chase says as he slumps down into a chair. He rubs his head. “You okay?” He gestures to where her hands are, frozen with a scissor over the plastic bag.

“Yeah, I, uh,” Nico stumbles over her words. “Karolina and I talked last night.”

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?”

“Fuck you.”

Chase chuckles but it turns into a groan when she throws a wooden spoon at his head with surprising accuracy. “Ow. What the hell?” He rubs at the red bullseye on his forehead and scowls at her.

“I’m trying to be serious for a moment.” Nico leans back against the counter and crosses her arms, like she’s trying to hold herself together. Inside, she feels like she needs to. As a leader, she can’t show emotion. But as a concerned maybe-girlfriend, she feels like she needs to. “Karolina and I talked last night,” she pauses to take a deep breath, “about what happened at the party.”

“Oh.” Chase sits up, completely serious for what Nico thinks is the first time in his life. Or the first time she’s ever seen him that serious at least. “I, uh, didn’t think she’d ever bring it up.”

“She did.” Nico bites her lip and walks over to sit across from Chase. “We were, you know...” Nico watches Chase’s face turn red again and she imagines her face is doing the same. “And she just panicked.”

“Is she okay?” Chase looks worried now, on the edge of his seat like he might storm up to the bedroom himself to check.

“She’s fine. I helped her out of it. She’s sleeping.”

Chase’s tense muscles relax, but only just. Always the protector, even though Nico knows that he knows all the girls can take care of themselves.

“I just,” Nico’s voice wobbles, “I just want to thank you. For not being a giant asshole. For not being a total jock.”

“She’s my friend.” He reaches over and takes her hand, which shakes at the contact. Just a little, but enough for him to squeeze. The pressure helps. “I would have done it for any of you.”

“I know Karolina’s probably said it already, but she’s really grateful for what you did. So that it wasn’t worse.” Nico squeeze back and Chase smiles at her. “I’m grateful.”

“Yeah, well...” Chase shrugs, like he’s uncomfortable and Nico feels the same way. They’ve never been the kind to talk about feelings, even like this, with each other. Karolina was more of the feeling person of their group.

Chase lets go of Nico’s hand to stand up. He rubs his hands together like the mad scientist he is and smiles. “Now, I believe I was supposed to make pancakes.”

Nico relaxes, the heavy tension of too much emotion gone from the room. “Just don’t let Old Lace eat any more of the batter, you doofus.” Chase waves the wooden spoon he’d retrieved from the table at her as she leaves like it’s a magic wand.

“Aye, aye, Captain.”

Nico grabs a bag of granola for Karolina and a bottle of water from another cabinet and spins around to go back upstairs. She bumps into someone hiding in the hallway and opens her mouth to say sorry, but she meets ocean eyes and freezes. Karolina stands in the hallway, one hand reaching out for some phantom.

“Karo, you okay?” Nico asks, shuffling the granola under her arm and touches Karolina’s hand.

“M’fine,” she mumbles and steps back, rubbing the crust of sleep from her eyes with her hand. She shakes her head and smiles at Nico and all is right with the world. “Just hungry.”

“Well, I was going to bring you breakfast in bed,” Nico says, moving to jar the granola squished next to her armpit. “But you ruined the surprise.”

“Should I go back to bed and you can surprise me?”

Nico shakes her head. “Naw, it’s fine.” She hands the water bottle to Karolina. “We can just watch cartoons with Molly until she falls back asleep.”

Karolina’s smile looks as bright as her skin when she glows.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked it. Please let me know what worked for you. I hope the emotions work for you.


End file.
